Ask Dr. Mini: Setting Boundaries and Creating Healthy Relationships

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Someone is persistent in asking me out, even after I’ve said no. What should I do?

“I was dating a guy last winter for a few months. He was nice but I didn’t feel like we were a good long-term match, which is what I’m looking for—so I asked to end things. He was reluctant but respected my wishes.

The last two months, he’s been texting again asking to meet for dinner. At first, I didn’t respond. But when the texts kept coming in, I told him I appreciated the thoughts, but I wasn’t interested. He said OK. But now, the last week or so, he’s again asking to go out. It’s been two months of him trying so I felt bad and said, ‘OK, if you feel that strongly about it, we can plan something.’ I still don’t feel like he’s the right person for me. Did I make a mistake by saying yes?”

It’s incredibly difficult when you feel caught between your own boundaries and someone else’s persistence. Creating healthy boundaries in relationships is about having mutual respect and understanding that both people have needs. 

In fact, saying yes when you don’t mean it can cause more harm—to you and the other person. If you are making a decision out of obligation or guilt, it’s probably not coming from the right intention. It’s a sign that your decision may not be rooted in self-alignment.

Before moving forward, take a moment to ask yourself:

• What is my intention?

• Am I honoring my own needs and values?

Prioritizing your own needs may appear selfish in the moment. However, only authenticity will serve this dynamic, whether it’s long-term or not. Authenticity doesn’t only mean being honest with others, but also the need to be honest with yourself.

When you’re real with yourself and with others, you’re freeing yourself from the weight of lies, excuses, and half-truths. Pretending takes energy—it’s exhausting to try to be someone you’re not. When you’re honest, you don’t have to remember what version of yourself you’re supposed to be; you just get to be.

People can also tell when you’re genuine, and they’re more likely to trust you because they know what they’re getting. You’re not wasting anyone’s time trying to please them or be what you think they want. 

If this person truly respects you, they’ll respect your no. You’re not responsible for someone else’s persistence, but you are responsible for honoring what’s right for you. Trust yourself—you don’t have to keep explaining or negotiating your boundaries. You’ve already been clear, and you’re allowed to stay that way.

(Note: While I’ve discussed the importance of setting boundaries here in a romantic context, I’ve also covered how to set professional boundaries in this earlier issue of Ask Dr. Mini.)

The person I’m interested in isn’t ready to commit to a relationship. What should I do?

“I’m interested in moving forward in a relationship with a guy I’ve been talking to, but he’s been really clear about not wanting a relationship yet. He’s fresh out of a breakup and is working on himself—which is great—but I really like him and I know he likes me. What should I do?”

It’s natural to be drawn to someone you connect with, but if you’re ready for a relationship and they’re not, it can create a confusing and emotionally tricky dynamic. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer for what to do, but here’s a framework to help you decide what’s best for you:

1. Honest Communication

Start with clarity. Have you talked about the situation directly? Have you clearly expressed your interest in a relationship? Has he explicitly stated that he’s not ready, and if so, what are his reasons? 

When someone says they’re not in a place to commit, it’s important to really listen—without assuming or interpreting. Is it about past hurt, current life circumstances (e.g., career, family), or a fundamental difference in what you both want? Whatever his reasoning, clear communication helps you understand if your visions for the future are truly aligned.

2. Evaluate His Actions

Sometimes, someone will say they’re not ready—but still seek closeness, emotional intimacy, or a sense of partnership. That inconsistency can be confusing and emotionally taxing. 

With that in mind, it’s important to consider:

• Words vs. Actions: Do his actions align with his words? Someone might say they’re not ready for a relationship but still call you constantly, spend all their free time with you, and express deep feelings. Inconsistent behavior can be confusing.

• Emotional Availability: Is he emotionally available to you, even within the context of not being ready for a relationship? Can he be vulnerable, share his feelings, and offer support? Or is he emotionally distant and unavailable?

3. Consider Your Needs

What are you looking for and what are your relationship goals? Are you looking for a committed partnership, or something more casual? Are your emotional needs being met in this dynamic—or are you finding yourself waiting, hoping, and second-guessing? Knowing your needs is essential.

It’s also important to be honest with yourself about your timeline. How long are you willing to wait? Are you willing to wait for him to be ready, if that’s even a possibility? Is waiting adding value to your life—or is it creating stress and uncertainty?

4. Assess the Potential

It’s great if he’s working on himself—but is he actively healing or just emotionally unavailable? Is he in therapy, or taking other steps to heal and grow?

In addition, are you okay with the current situation? Can you genuinely accept the situation as it is, without trying to change him or waiting for him to change? If you’re constantly hoping for more, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot bank on potential.

5. Prioritize Yourself

Ultimately, your well-being should come first. Is this situation causing you stress, anxiety, or unhappiness? If so, it’s probably not worth it. Pay close attention to whether the dynamic causes more confusion than clarity, or more anxiety than peace.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You deserve someone who is ready, enthusiastic, and capable of showing up for you the way you need.

Walking away doesn’t mean failure—it means making space for something aligned, mutual, and whole. It may also be the best thing for you in the long run.

In short: If you’re consistently feeling unsure, unseen, or emotionally stuck, it might be time to turn inward and ask yourself what truly serves your peace. A fulfilling relationship is built on readiness, reciprocity, and shared vision. You deserve that. You don’t have to wait for someone to be ready to meet you—you can choose to meet yourself with clarity and care, right now.