If You’re Complaining About Everything in Your Life, You’re Probably the Problem (Sorry!)

Let me start by saying this: I know that headline might sound harsh. But stay with me, because what I really want to talk about is agency. The kind that changes lives.

When we find ourselves constantly complaining—about work, relationships, our bodies, our routines—it’s worth pausing to ask: What’s really going on underneath?

I’ve had this conversation with clients, students, and even myself. And what often emerges is this truth: persistent complaining can be a sign that we’ve given our power away. That we’re stuck in a loop of helplessness, waiting for life to feel better without changing how we show up in it.

Let’s unpack that.

Where’s Your Power? (Locus of Control)

In psychology, we often talk about something called locus of control. It’s the belief system we carry about what drives our life outcomes.

If you believe your life is mostly shaped by other people, bad luck, or unfair circumstances, that’s an external locus of control. If you believe your choices, actions, and mindset play a significant role, you operate from an internal locus of control.

Now, of course, life throws curveballs. Many circumstances are genuinely outside our control, like oppression, illness, loss, and trauma. But when we constantly externalize everything, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to grow, change, and heal.

Excessive complaining often masks a refusal to take responsibility for one's own actions and choices. So when you catch yourself complaining nonstop, ask: Am I giving away my power? Where do I need to reclaim agency?

Are You Practicing Helplessness or Healing?

Excessive complaining often signals what we call learned helplessness. This is when someone has been stuck in challenging circumstances for so long that they stop trying to change them—even when change becomes possible. Instead, they feel powerless and unmotivated.

Learned helplessness and internalized oppression often go hand in hand. When we’re raised in systems that repeatedly tell us we’re less capable, over time we may start to believe those messages, even if they’re untrue. That internalized narrative can quietly erode our sense of agency and make us feel like change isn’t possible, even when it is. 

The result? We stop advocating for ourselves, and begin to operate from a place of disempowerment—not because we’re weak, but because we’ve been conditioned to forget our power. This leads to stagnation and cynicism. Life feels like it’s happening to you, not with you.

But healing is an active process. It doesn’t always mean we can change the situation—but we can change our relationship to it. We can stop waiting to feel better and instead start taking steps, no matter how small, toward feeling more empowered.

Action, even tiny consistent action, is often the antidote to helplessness.

The Thought Loops That Trap Us

Another pattern I see? Cognitive distortions, the mental habits that color our reality.

People who complain frequently often engage in:

• Filtering: Focusing only on what’s wrong while ignoring what’s working.

• Magnification: Blowing problems out of proportion and imagining worst-case scenarios.

Over time, these thought patterns can become self-fulfilling. You expect things to go badly, and when they do (or even when they don’t), it reinforces your negative worldview. In this way, you may subconsciously sabotage your own success.

These distortions are powerful—but not permanent. Once you begin to notice them, you can challenge them. Ask: What else might be true? What am I overlooking?

How Complaining Impacts Our Relationships

Constant complaining doesn’t just affect you. It affects your relationships, too.

Chronic negativity can be draining, and over time, it pushes people away. Friends might stop answering your calls. Colleagues may avoid collaboration. Loved ones may feel helpless or exhausted trying to support you.

Most people who fall into this pattern don’t mean harm. They’re just unaware. But self-awareness is the first step to repair.

If you notice a pattern of venting or negativity, consider how it might land with others. Are you open to support and perspective, or just recycling your frustrations? Are you connecting, or just unloading?

Gratitude, Perspective, and the Power of Reframe

Now let’s be clear: this isn’t about toxic positivity. We all have the right to feel, grieve, and name what’s hard.

But if you’re only naming what’s wrong, you’re missing the full picture. And the full picture almost always includes something worth holding onto: a moment of beauty, a kind word, a step forward.

Cultivating gratitude doesn’t mean pretending everything’s okay. It means learning to hold complexity—acknowledging pain and possibility. Naming frustration and looking for solutions.

Sometimes that solution is action. Sometimes it’s acceptance that things are out of your control. But it always starts with perspective.

Important Considerations

If you find yourself stuck in a loop of complaints and nothing seems to help, there may be more going on beneath the surface. After all, some situations are genuinely difficult and warrant legitimate complaints.

However, excessive negativity can also be a symptom of depression, anxiety, or burnout. It’s not a character flaw—it’s a sign that something deeper needs care and attention. And that’s not something you need to navigate alone.

Therapy can offer support, clarity, and real tools for shifting these patterns.

This post isn’t about blaming you for your pain. It’s about reminding you that you have power, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

You’re allowed to complain. But also, ask yourself: What do I want instead? And what’s one small thing I can do today to get closer to that version of my life?

We’re not meant to stay stuck. We’re meant to evolve.

Ready to Step Out of the Cycle?

You are not the problem—you are the solution in progress. Here’s how I can help:

• If you're looking to shift long-standing patterns and reconnect with your personal power, I offer trauma-informed therapy that honors both your pain and your potential. Book a session to begin your healing journey.

• For teams, wellness groups, or organizations, I also offer workshops and retreats that integrate mental health, mindfulness, and yoga psychology. Contact me to learn more about bringing this work to your community.